Living on My Own To Focus

I swear I have artistic ADD; one day I want to paint, another I want to write, then I want to record a video. I can't finish anything and it leaves me frustrated.

Right now I'm working on a script with a friend and I can't seem to be motivated, mostly because of the material details and my unfamiliarity with them. The main character is a middle-aged-coming-out-of-the-closet-gay, who is married to a woman, and has a son. None of these facts apply to me, so I think I need my friend's help to bring the character out.

However, I do need to focus on school right now. I'm taking some child development classes, an art class, and sign language. I needed a break from all of my Creative Writing major stuff, most of it is boring anyway, and all of these classes will help keep my sanity and find a better job.

I don't want to be so dependent on my boyfriend, who is so sweet, but as a student I'm limited on everything. Kind of sucks really.

I have discovered I need to focus my energies so I'm not so scatterbrained. Meditation isn't one of my strong points, but even sitting down and writing in a journal of sorts would be good. Too many distractions.

I think I need to call on a solid god/dess for this semester. The first one coming to mind is Athena.

Last Summer, when I was alone and free, I called of Eris, fuck was that interesting, mostly because I had boundless energy, dated about 15-20 guys in July, made a bunch of videos, wrote. My ADD was booming but focused in a way, however it left me exhausted for the beginning of the school year. But life didn't fall apart until I quit my job and was so depressed my grades just fell like rocks.

I really just want to get out of school, in 2 years. I will talk to a counselor, I will find out if there are any alternative classes I can take, I will kick some ass, I will write my scrip and paint to keep my sanity. I will focus.

Blessed Be,
Shadow Moon

Ghosts, Past Lives and Moving Out....Probably Never

I haven’t been dreaming, well that’s impossible, so I haven’t been remembering my dreams, probably because I’m up too late and I laze about my bed, before I get up. It kind of hurts me, because I know my dreams hold the key to my past and future, so I feel lost sometimes. However, when I do remember my dreams they are stunning and important, so maybe I haven’t had any dreams of note lately.

I wonder sometimes if I’m just a new soul model, mundane, without any prior experience to guide myself though life, I would hate that fate, but I have no control over it. Why are new sols necessary anyway? If there are literally billions to choose from why are blank slates being created? Have that many souls decided to live in a permanent paradise? How many souls are blank slates at this very moment?

From the dreams I can remember I’ve never had any sort of past life dream, unless if it was on another planet, yes they were weird. So, as of right now, I can assume I’m a blank slate too. To be honest I lead a boring life so I would hate to dream about my life, it would be like watching a foreign film with bad actors.

So, my sister finally spoke to the entity and she laid down some ground rules, thank goodness, I don’t have to banish it. Phew, I just don’t need the responsibility at the moment. I didn’t need the thought of it wanting revenge hanging over my head until the day I die.

As a child I believe I used to see spirits, but after fear invaded my mind my powers became almost non-existent. I have to stop doubting myself and accept my once-gift with a passion. It’s going to take a long time and it’s probably best not to explore it too much in this house because it’s filled with negativity.

Assumedly my home was build in about 1909, the foundation at least, more was added in the 1940s and the 1980s. I can still remember pushing my tricycle through the halls of construction. The people who lived in the house before us seemed nice, but I think most of the energies are from us, especially my mother. In fact I sleep in my parents old bedroom.

My mother has deep issues involving her health, family, sexual assault and general anger. She radiates hatred, pain and she is an absolute control freak. For example, she is serving dinner and I told her ‘I can serve myself, I’m not five, so sit down and relax.’ It’s painful for her to stand with her loosing half her foot to diabetes, but, she yells, ‘Five to forty-five I’m going to serve if I want to serve!’

WTF?

I left her to her servitude. So you can see how my mother is the center for any negative impact in this house. I need to move out…

Blessed Be.