Thursday, July 16, 2009

Not Ready to Come Out

My fiance and I are having issues because of this new transition I'm going through. The first words he said to me were, "I can't believe an intelligent person can believe in this. You're crazy." He may have apologized, but he said it and it hurt. Currently I'm having 'Jesus' belief difficulties because if I believe Jesus was the Son of God then I have to believe in the Christian version of God, and I don't. I've decided that Jesus was a real person, with profound knowledge about the divine and was seen as the Messiah by the Jews, but he wasn't, he just said God was his Father, and I think that was from within not literally.

Christians often take ideas too literally or personally at times and forget the common practice of loving your neighbor as yourself. I believe he does love me, but I also want someone to share my journey with me not fight me or keep silent. Recently I have not felt the same about our relationship, I'm unsatisfied and haven't been to lonely without him, maybe it's time for me to move on and find someone I can share with, but not too soon, I need to heal and discover what life is for myself.

I can't help seeing the faults in Christianity and fighting against it all the time. I can't help what I felt and the happiness I'm feeling right now. And I can't deny his rejections to my experience, naming them temptations and his refusal to search and understand what I'm saying. Love is about moving mountains for each other and when one is willing to do so and the other is not, it isn't love it's taking advantage.

I'm changing and will continue to change regardless because time stops for no one.

Blessed Be.