Monday, August 29, 2011

Ants and Futuristic Wars: Dreams

Over the last two nights I remember strange dreams. The first night I can only remember about how a colony of ants were living in my new bed, but the location was my family home, not the apartment I'm living at. I remember me freaking out over the ants then I woke up.

Last night was a little more extensive. I was at a resort, very futuristic, it was like a indoor ski resort/spa. I seemed to be apart of a rebel group of sorts and there was this pink liquid that we threw like bombs. I don't remember what the bomb did, but it stopped working for some reason. I also remember being stuck in a mall like walkway system and loading up a gameboy color to play FF7. I was loading the game so I could escape into it and become Cloud (a female version), I don't think I was able to do this, because I woke up.

Yes, very strange dreams again.

I think it has something to do with how I'm scared about how my boyfriend's parents may ask the "When are you two going to get married?" question. This question terrifies me and I think I'm avoiding it subconsciously, even thought my boyfriend has told me his parents are very lax, I have a feeling they want to know WTF I'm doing with him.

Marriage? Not now. Kids? Medically speaking, not ever, maybe adoption. I don't need a ring for him to prove how much he loves me, he shows it by being kind, gentle, patient and supportive. Tying the knot scares me because I've only seen FAIL, sorry mom and dad but you're not the best example to a happy long marriage.

Sure they are still married but my mom is a medical train wreak because of her diabetes, my father is super stressed because my mom is a angry bitch and financial issues. It's not like any parents are perfect, but damn they are emotionally fucked up.

I think I just need to talk to my man about my feelings, because obviously my brain doesn't know how to shut up!

Blessed Be
Shadow Moon

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Living on My Own To Focus

I swear I have artistic ADD; one day I want to paint, another I want to write, then I want to record a video. I can't finish anything and it leaves me frustrated.

Right now I'm working on a script with a friend and I can't seem to be motivated, mostly because of the material details and my unfamiliarity with them. The main character is a middle-aged-coming-out-of-the-closet-gay, who is married to a woman, and has a son. None of these facts apply to me, so I think I need my friend's help to bring the character out.

However, I do need to focus on school right now. I'm taking some child development classes, an art class, and sign language. I needed a break from all of my Creative Writing major stuff, most of it is boring anyway, and all of these classes will help keep my sanity and find a better job.

I don't want to be so dependent on my boyfriend, who is so sweet, but as a student I'm limited on everything. Kind of sucks really.

I have discovered I need to focus my energies so I'm not so scatterbrained. Meditation isn't one of my strong points, but even sitting down and writing in a journal of sorts would be good. Too many distractions.

I think I need to call on a solid god/dess for this semester. The first one coming to mind is Athena.

Last Summer, when I was alone and free, I called of Eris, fuck was that interesting, mostly because I had boundless energy, dated about 15-20 guys in July, made a bunch of videos, wrote. My ADD was booming but focused in a way, however it left me exhausted for the beginning of the school year. But life didn't fall apart until I quit my job and was so depressed my grades just fell like rocks.

I really just want to get out of school, in 2 years. I will talk to a counselor, I will find out if there are any alternative classes I can take, I will kick some ass, I will write my scrip and paint to keep my sanity. I will focus.

Blessed Be,
Shadow Moon